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ExxonMobil to Stop Drilling; Will Cover Phoenix With Solar Panels

RP Siegel | Thursday April 1st, 2010 | 9 Comments

A year ago today…

A startling revelation has been leaked out of the headquarters of ExxonMobil Corporation in Irving, Texas. Apparently the company is planning to cease all drilling operations at the end of this year and to stop exploration immediately. According to a company spokesman who asked not to be identified, “Our CEO says he had a dream that a company of this magnitude truly has the potential to change the direction of history.”

When pressed, the spokesperson explained that the company would no longer be conducting exploration forays in the Seychelles nor off the shores of Fiji. In addition, by shutting down all of its oil drilling operations, the company can bring what many had thought of as an inexorable march towards climate catastrophe to a screeching halt. “Absent our four million barrels per day, the price of oil will skyrocket and people will be forced to make the tough decisions much sooner regarding conservation and efficiency and to move much more rapidly toward renewables.”

When asked about other companies simply moving into the breach, the spokesman gave assurances that this would not happen.

ExxonMobil, which earned $45.2 billion in profits in 2008 on revenues of $442.85 has assumed the mantel of the world’s largest company, outpacing retail giant Walmart.

“Leadership is the ability to take decisive action at critical times. As the number one company in the world, we are prepared to demonstrate our leadership,” said the spokesperson.

The formal announcement is scheduled for Earth Day.

The company will be moving quickly into a 100% renewable energy strategy. It hopes to soon announce a massive plan that will cover the entire city of Phoenix with a solar array, providing both electricity and much-needed shade. A cistern system will also collect rainwater. The louvered photovoltaic panels will be tiltable, which will enable them to let a certain amount of sunshine through during the winter months when temperatures are cooler and power demands are lower. “We’re still an energy company and we always will be,” he said.

When asked if the company wasn’t concerned about the potential impact on the company’s profitability, the spokesman said, “There might be a temporary pullback but we have lots of cash. Besides,” he added, “there are some things more important than profits.”

RP Siegel is the co-author of the novel Vapor Trails, an entertaining and informative story of an oil company executive who awakens to his own consequences.


▼▼▼      9 Comments     ▼▼▼

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  • Jim

    Funny. Smart. Smart funny!

  • ian

    oi'l be damned!

  • kingbuch

    idiots

  • http://nickpalmer.blogspot.com/ Nick Palmer

    If only!

  • Fered

    Would be a nice start but would barely be a dent… Despite being the worlds largest PUBLICLY TRADED company, ExxonMobil only has influence on about 2.5% of the world's oil.

    Governmental oil companies (like Saudi Aramco) are many, many times larger but they don't have to publish their financial data because they aren't traded on stock markets.

    Funny story though!

  • ian

    oi'l be damned!

  • kingbuch

    idiots

  • http://nickpalmer.blogspot.com/ Nick Palmer

    If only!

  • Fered

    Would be a nice start but would barely be a dent… Despite being the worlds largest PUBLICLY TRADED company, ExxonMobil only has influence on about 2.5% of the world's oil.

    Governmental oil companies (like Saudi Aramco) are many, many times larger but they don't have to publish their financial data because they aren't traded on stock markets.

    Funny story though!