A year ago today…
It’s not often on 3p that we get a chance to talk about pop idols, or music in general. But today, the music industry has finally started taking “green” seriously with the introduction of a solar powered robot to replace teen sensation Justin Bieber.
In case you’re over the age of 20, or don’t have kids, Justin Bieber is the industry’s latest creation – a 16 year old money machine engineered to coax dollars and euros out of millions of screaming teenage girls, leaving them happy and giddy for months on end. The teen idol’s latest album, My World 2.0, rocketed to the top of the Billboard Charts selling an astonishing 283,000 copies in a mere week.
Though such endeavors are incredibly profitable, the music industry has long been plagued by many environmental externalities.
“The carbon footprint of feeding, clothing and bathing Bieber is something we take very seriously,” Island records spokesperson Sandy Dale said. “The robot changes everything, and once we get 3 or 4 of them online, we’ll be able to cut the travel footprint by at least 50% as well.”
Estimated environmental and financial costs for the care of a non-recyclable human teenager like Bieber are higher than most people realize. Dale informed me that when Bieber demands a Fijian vacation it’s not just he who needs a plane ticket, but his entire entourage of 25 people and several pets. That, plus food, enormous quantities of hairspray and other chemicals, and you’ve got costs that can quickly spiral out of control – even for a less environmentally conscious company.
But imagine if pop music acts could be replaced with robots — solar powered robots. That’s the new reality of the industry with the introduction of Bieber’s new replacement, a Y-56 model cyborg manufactured by Honda’s ASIMO line and Industrial Light and Magic. The lightweight robot uses a mere 500 watts of power to dance, twirl and gyrate in a manner that is indistinguishable from a live teenager at distances over 20 feet. Chuck-e-cheese this aint. The Y-56 is also lifelike enough to give pre-programmed TV interviews and even sign autographs at a distance.
I asked master of the trade, Simon Cowell, for his thoughts on the matter. “Let’s be honest,” Cowell told me, “these kids are basically robots to begin with. We’ve been looking for the Holy Grail in music manufacturing for years, and this is it – this cuts out the last problem we had, the unreliable nature of these kids. This is only the beginning – with robot talent, we can get exactly what we want, when we want, and keep it the way we like it till it runs the course, then BAM, recycle the robot into a new one with whatever’s hot RIGHT NOW.”
With a lifespan of at least 40 years, a Y-56 can keep fans happy for a long time in many guises. At the end of its life, the robot can be completely recycled, or reused as a butler or novelty keepsake. I asked Dale what would be done with the original Bieber. “He’ll probably last about a week once we turn off the food supply. After that we’ll have him composted out behind the solar panels.”