April fool 2011 :-)
It all started with a snake, or to be more precise, a bunch of snakes. A couple of Koch Industries’ chemical and refinery plants in Texas and Louisiana have been experiencing slowdowns and increasingly frequent shutdowns because of snake nests and even gator nests clogging up their discharge pipes. David Koch quietly told his facilities chief, Steve Rimbot to take care of it. But apparently he spoke a little too quietly, because instead of sending a check to a shadowy group in Slidell called Volunteers for Reptile Destruction (VRD), an association of social misfits who take pleasure in torturing and mutilating snakes and reptiles due to their belief that they are agents of the devil, Rimbot sent the check to another non-profit group located in Galveston called Victims of Erectile Dysfunction (VED).
“I remember the conversation well,” Rimbot told the NY Times. “It was a windy day and the cell connection was not that good. I asked him to repeat the name several times, but that’s what I wrote down, ‘Rectile Dysfunction. He’s the boss. I’ve learned over the years not to ask too many questions, if you know what I mean.”
Fred Firsthorne, of the Louisiana Department of Environmental Quality said, “I’m a little surprised that these animals are able to survive in that discharge, but the plant’s efficiency is low, which means the water coming out of them will be quite warm. I think that is what is attracting these animals to nest there.”
Mr. Koch himself had little to say on the matter. “It was a simple mistake. Our attorneys are looking into it now. We intend to get that money back.”
I was able to reach Gerald Limpkin, President of VED by phone at his Texas residence.
3P: Good morning Mr. Limpkin. I heard about your little windfall, congratulations to you.
GL: Thank you kindly.
3P: I was wondering, do you have any intention of returning the money to the Koch Brothers?
GL: Hell no. These guys have tons of money and most of it has been used to stir up trouble, at least these funds will do some good.
3P: According to my calculations, this should be enough for approximately 1.2 million doses of Viagra.
GL: That’s about right. The way I see it– what they’ve been doing to the American people, well, now we can do it to each other. There’s going to be a lot of happy people around here. We prayed to the Good Lord for help, and now you can see, He’s answered our prayers. No way we’re giving that money back. Now that this gift has been deposited, we are prepared to stand firm.
3P: Amen. But don’t you think this could cause other problems?
GL: Like what?
3P: Well, for one thing, don’t you think this could cause more people to mispronounce the Koch Brothers’ name.
GL: Hmmm, I never thought of that…
RP Siegel is the co-author of the eco-thriller Vapor Trails, the first in a series covering the human side of various sustainability issues. Like airplanes, we all leave behind a vapor trail. And though we can easily see others’, we rarely see our own.
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