Roche Launches into Sustainability Sphere with Release of Breakthrough Drug


Responding to a downturn in the once multi-billion dollar industry, Swiss pharmaceutical giant Roche announced yesterday the release of a breakthrough medication that is rumored to revolutionize the fledgling drug industry. STAINAX, the new miracle drug–as its being touted by some industry insiders–is an attempt by one of the largest players in the drug industry to ride the now ever-popular green wave by incorporating sustainability ethics into its business practices.
Roche CEO Franz Humer said during a press release yesterday: “A lot of people talk about how they can change their practices – recycling, driving hybrid cars, eating organic food – but I feel like no one is focusing on the core of the problem: people. We realized as one of the world’s leading healthcare companies, we had the power to make a difference in the world, not only for ourselves, but for our children’s generation, and their children’s generation after them.”
A report released by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) in 2007 stated that human emissions of CO2 were estimated to be 26.4 Gt per year, up from 23.5 Gt in the 1990s. “Our breakthrough new medication will allow the human body to process its own waste, self-sequestering harmful carbon gases we emit on a daily basis by neutralizing them in the body’s various organs,” Humer added.

Other effects of the the once-daily pill reduce the human body’s need for water intake, limiting the strain the nearly 6.7 billion world population places on the increasingly limited resource. The new drug will also reduce the amount of times the average person excretes organic waste to on average once a week, preventing a massive amount of toxic materials and gases from contaminating the environment.
Roche recently made headlines with its acquisition of Bay Area-based Genentech. “One of the main reasons we wanted to incorporate Genentech into our portfolio is its location. Just outside of San Francisco, it is located next to one of the most progressively green places in the world, and a great place to lead this new product line. Hopefully, with its success, this will just be the first of a long series of medications and supplements that will not only increase people’s health, but will also improve the environment at the same time.
Critics, however, are wary of the new medication’s effects. “If the medication really was going to make people sustainable, the people at Roche would come up with a way to eliminate our need for water consumption altogether–the average American consumes 150 gallons of water per day, and that is not a renewable resource like electricity or cotton is,” said Micah Hanson, a senior fellow at the Hastings Institute, a think tank based in Washington, D.C.
The medication is now awaiting FDA approval and is slated to be available over the counter in Flinstone vitamin-style, chewable tablets.

Ashwin is an Associate Editor of Triple Pundit. He recently returned to the Bay Area after living in Argentina, where he wholeheartedly missed the Pacific Ocean. He is a freelance editor and media and marketing consultant.After a brief stint working in the wine world, when not staring blankly at a computer screen, you'll find him working on Anand Confections or at 826 Valencia, where he has been a long-time volunteer.

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