In a surprise but carefully planned move, Triple Pundit LLC has acquired News Corporation in a deal backed personally by Warren Buffett. News Corporation, one of the world’s largest media conglomerates, is comprised of Fox News, 20th Century Fox, MySpace, and the recently acquired Wall Street Journal.
According to 3p Founder, Nick Aster, who met the Oracle of Omaha during his most recent backpacking trip through Argentina, “3p got into the business to change everything in business and media. Yet, we hadn’t the slightest idea that we’d be doing it this literally.”
Sources within News Corporation state that the hostile takeover battle was effectively won when Triple Pundit writers and followers stormed the Avenue of the Americas New York Headquarters with Super Soakers, far outmatching the McCain-Palin 2008 stress balls possessed by News Corporation staffers. Triple Pundit engaged in a fierce bidding war for News Corp with the Onion, backed by actor Robin Williams, but Warren Buffett’s financial position and negotiation tactics (Buffett himself carefully planned the Super Soaker-armed takeover) proved insurmountable.
Triple Pundit plans to make drastic changes, detailed below, to the media empire built by Rupert Murdoch, the major shareholder and Chairman of News Corporation. Murdoch did not make himself available for comment, but is rumored to be planning a face-saving comeback on next season’s Dancing with the Stars.
The Future of Fox News, Powered by Digg
Triple Pundit is excited to announce a new format for News Corp subsidiary Fox News, which is often criticized for its conservative bias. Beginning tomorrow, all news will be reported from a dunk tank triggered by the audience via a Digg-powered voting system. Triple Pundit is committing to both preserving newscasters’ jobs and reporting factual news with its new dunk tank format.
The Future of the Wall Street Journal
In response to the recent collapse of the financial markets, as a result of the short sighted, single dimensional focus on financial value creation, the 120 year old Wall Street Journal will be renamed the New WSJ and its scope expanded. Corporate performance will now be measured to include social and environmental impact, and macroeconomic news will no longer singularly focus on GDP, instead covering the Gross National Happiness as its relation, or lack thereof, to the state of the economy.
If the new plans don’t work out, Triple Pundit plans to revert the name of the publication to the Wall Street Journal Classic, just as Coca Cola did in 1985, and to bundle the newspaper with food stamps intended for out of work bankers.
The Future of MySpace, Powered by Musicians, Again
Under its new ownership, MySpace, the popular social networking site that recently gave up in the race to compete with Facebook, will be given back to the artists and porn stars who contributed to its initial growth. MySpace will now sell music using the same approach recently proven by Radiohead, allowing users to pay what they want for music and enabling the successful promotion and sale of concert tickets and merchandise. New Corp’s entire legal staff will be reassigned to assist musicians in dissolving contracts with their labels so they can get back to making music, and money, again. Finally, all “punch the monkey” ringtone and free iPhone ads will be replaced by information on healthy, balanced living to combat the growing epidemics of depression, loneliness, and obesity.